Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
