Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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