It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
