Barsexuality is the new black.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
