I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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