Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
