I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
