Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
