I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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