I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
