I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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