my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
