I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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