My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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