Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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