highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
