I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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