I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
