i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
