Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
