so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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