i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
