I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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