I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
