I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I could make wine with my vomit
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
