I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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