So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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