My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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