I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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