Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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