The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
