pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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