Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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