looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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