I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
