John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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