I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
