You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You ruined the universe
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
