plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So many bounce houses so little time
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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