the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
