You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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