i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
