Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
