Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize