I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
