found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
