he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize