I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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