Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
