last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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