Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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