I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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