The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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