before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
