Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
