I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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