why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I didn't notice because vodka
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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